i dunnoĭAVE: i didnt have any frame of referenceĭAVE: but his dad and her mom no matter what they said it was so obvious they cared about them deeplyĭAVE: even jades weird fuckin grandpa who died when she was young obviously would have done anything for herĭAVE: why did i get such a raw cut of the asshole deckĭAVE: and why did it take me so long to figure that outĭAVE: and like hes dead now so thats thatĭAVE: so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 yearsĭAVE: and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!ĭAVE: i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof"ĭAVE: the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED meĭAVE: and the whole act of even "raising a child" was some totally fucked up game to himĭAVE: like parenthood was one of the highest tiers of irony in his solemn bullshit bro-ninja codeĭAVE: so he went through those motions and did whatever he thought was "funny" or "badass"ĭAVE: but under that weird stylistic and totally sociopathic approach to parenting i cant even IMAGINE there was any emotion toward me other than some sort of loathingĭAVE: i dont want to get out the laundry listĭAVE: but for reference laundry wasnt one of those thingsĭAVE: that was just one of the many little domestic things i just had to sort of FIGURE OUTĭAVE: sorta like i eventually had to learn what the REAL purpose of a refridgerator was from moviesĭAVE: i dunno theres too much to even get intoĭAVE: i dont remember the atmosphere ever not being nerve wrackingĭAVE: ugh my shitty childhood spider senses are tinglin just thinking about itĭAVE: but you know what it really was it was some vicious shit that was bad and sucked and i hated itĭAVE: it made me never want to see blood or be near danger or hear metal soundsĭAVE: it made me hate the idea of being a hero cause he was a hero and he ruined the idea of heroismĭAVE: i dont even want to be fighting this shitty version of jack but hey nobody else has secret welsh powers so i guess i have toĭAVE: what gets me is how long it took me to put all this togetherĭAVE: to stop seeing it as some kinda roughhousey and eccentric life i had but was otherwise normalĭAVE: it took years to deconstruct it all and put it back together to understand how fuckin mad i should beĭAVE: and in particular how stone cold deeply uncared for i was my whole lifeĭAVE: like.
DAVE: i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about themĭAVE: they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as meĭAVE: their complaints were trumped up nonsense and i bought it cause.
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